It’s October which is both the month we lost our baby C and also Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. Today I wanted to share Baby C’s story and open up my inbox to hear your stories too! Please email mckenziefussell@gmail.com if you’d like to share your little ones name, your story, or even a simple “me too” with me. My heart breaks for you and there is so much healing that can come from talking about the ones we lost too soon.
Our Story
My five year old had a soccer game that night. Dad was helping coach. I was doing what a mom does… all the things. Finishing hanging a roll of wallpaper in the big girl room while making sure the cleats were ready and packing a snack bag with anything I could find to entertain my three year old so she wouldn’t run onto the field. That girl reallllllly wanted to play too. I had a terrible cold and had lost my voice almost completely. I was pregnant with our third baby, baby C.
A few weeks earlier we had heard some scary news. But then we heard a healthy heartbeat and thanked the Lord for our miracle baby. We cried happy tears in the ultrasound office. Tears of relief. My doctor’s office stopped printing photos but they sent them to me via text, along with a video of baby C’s healthy heartbeat. I watched the video over and over and over again that day. We celebrated the victory of a healthy heartbeat and I couldn’t stop crying happy tears in the office. Tears of relief. That day went to Target and purchased a few maternity essentials on the way home from the appointment. We felt such a weight lifted off knowing our baby had overcome. We hadn’t found out the gender yet. We had never opted for the blood testing to find out the gender early with our other babies so it didn’t cross my mind. We figured we’d do a 16 week scan to find out a few weeks later.
When October 16th rolled around things felt normal. Until they didn’t. We prepped for the soccer game. I started spotting. We called the doctor. I started cramping. They said what we did next was completely up to us. We could wait and see if things got worse or head to the ER for a well check. We decided to head to the soccer game and see if it stopped. It didn’t stop. We wanted our family together and really didn’t have the headspace to call a friend to watch the girls so we all went to the ER together. We waited for hours to see what was happening. Hours felt like an actual eternity. It felt like one of those dreams where you’re running but you don’t move at all. We sat and we waited to find out if baby was okay. The girls drew pictures and of course had zero understanding of what could be happening. I was glad we were together. Hours later a very kind nurse brought us into her office and shared with us that the ultrasound confirmed, our baby’s heart was no longer beating. Our baby had died. Our girls had no idea what was happening of course but in that room Millie handed me a rainbow drawing she had colored earlier. The Lord speaks to us even in our darkest moments. I’m so thankful He was there. I’ll never forget that sting, that pain, that confusion. But somehow in the middle of the worst moment of my life I still felt the Lord’s presence. Through burning tears we walked back through the waiting room and drove home.
After that things get blurry. I’m glad. Sometime in the next few days I googled “I just had a miscarriage… now what” and now I share in hopes that if you just googled that too…. you won’t feel so alone.
What I wish that google search would have pulled up was a community of other women who have lost babies, a hope-filled podcast dedicated to the 1 in 4, an artist that creates beautiful healing art to remember our babies and a message of encouragement to ask for help, share the story and honor the life that was.
We had experienced a chemical pregnancy prior to finding out we were expecting Baby C and that grief hit me harder than I expected. I hadn’t experienced a sadness like that before. I hadn’t heard much about chemical pregnancies. It took a few months to heal emotionally and physically from that “missed miscarriage” before the thought of getting pregnant again even occurred. I celebrated baby C as our rainbow baby.
I found healing in sharing my story and then hearing that I wasn’t alone. So many of my friends both online and in “real life” had walked this road too. They understood the deep sadness, the grief and the pain. They too were forever changed by this experience. Sharing my story with them and honoring our babies that are now in heaven, that helped. Accepting meals, childcare, flowers and prayer from anyone that offered it, that helped. Talking to my husband and friends about how I was REALLY doing, that helped. Crying in the bathtub while looking at bump photos, the only photos I’ll ever have of Baby C, that helped. We felt so loved in this season because we let people love us. I sat down several times to write my thank you notes for all of the kind things people had done for us, the meals dropped off on our porch and the flowers around our home. I never could get my pen to hit the paper. But if you’re one of those amazing people, I hope you know we’re grateful you showed up.
Grief looks different now that I’m pregnant again. I knew another baby wouldn’t heal the hole in my heart. Healing didn’t erase the hurt. The hole has me yearning for heaven and I confess that having a child in heaven waiting for me has shifted my entire understanding of who God is. I live my days with an increased awareness of the reality of heaven. I have no doubts. I am confident that my baby C is in the very best care, in the hands of a loving Father. We read books with the girls that help us picture heaven and remind them of their sibling that’s with Jesus. That helps. We talk about their new baby sister coming in January and we talk about baby C in heaven. Baby C won’t get a stocking at Christmas but Baby C is forever a part of our family.
So if you found this post via a teary-eyed google search and you too aren’t sure what to do next, I’m here to tell you that’s okay. We’re not supposed to know what to do next. We’re supposed to lean on the Lord. You are going to survive and one day you are going to feel a little bit more like yourself again. You’re different now but that’s okay. You’ve carried life and you’ll honor it the best you can. You’ll learn to accept the help and better yet, you’ll learn to ask for it. You’ll carry the heaviness of your loss daily but it will strengthen your faith because you’ll realize you weren’t ever carrying it alone.
I wasn’t prepared for the physical pain that followed in the weeks after baby C died. I wasn’t prepared for it to take months for my hormones to balance out and for my body to realize I was no longer pregnant. I wasn’t prepared for the doctors appointments that would follow. I wasn’t prepared to get emotional anytime I saw a baby, a pregnancy announcement or a reminder of something I had dreamed about that now… wouldn’t happen. We’re not meant to be prepared for that. We’re meant to walk in the expectation that GOOD things will happen. And they do. But if you or a friend are one of the 1 in 4… I’m sharing because I want you to know that you’re not alone. There’s a community of mama’s grieving and figuring this out alongside you. I’m here too.
I wanted to share a few family photos here. Photos taken as we told the girls the happy news about Baby C. I am so grateful my friend Cristina captured this family photo session. We didn’t get to share these to announce Baby C with the world but we created some extra sweet memories as a family and will treasure these memories forever.
